Dear Young Gay Men

Dear Young Gay Men,

Believe it or not, there those of us over 50 who look at and view you with great pride. Why? Because we know what we marched for, struggled for, were beaten down for and for those we watched die, are the ones who paved the way for the open life you currently get to live. We fought very hard to get to this point in our gay history and you are a proud product of that battle. We are very proud of you.

You know, I can remember going to my first gay bar in 1985. It was a small bar in Cape Girardeau, MO. My first night in a gay bar they had to lock and barricade the front door of the bar because it was being surrounded by angry, straight, redneck, white men who did not want a gay bar in their town and were willing to take whatever steps necessary to make sure it would go away. Southern Missouri is Klan country and it was an eye opening experience and lesson on what it meant to be gay in middle Missouri.

I can remember the heart sinking feeling I felt when I saw the first spot of KS on the leg of a friend and knowing exactly what that meant. I can remember my other friend squeezing my arm and whispering, “Oh my God. He is sick.” In those days, you kept your status as quiet as possible until it was no longer possible to keep it quiet. I was one of the lucky ones who remained and still is negative, but many of my close friends were not that lucky. We saw a whole generation of our friends die because they did have the ability to become undetectable or Prep to help prevent it in the first damn place. You got it and you died. It was that simple. You know, it got to a point where I could hug someone and instantly know if they were sick. There was this heat which would emanate from their bodies. It was also a very sad thing to look into the eyes of someone you knew and knowing they would not be around for long. I learned a lot about bravery and grace in the face of death from my dying friends. Their faces and stories stick with me still today.

The things you would witness and the stories you would hear were truly terrifying. Have you ever driven past a house spray painted with the words, “AIDS FAG DIE,” well I have and within that house was someone very sick and dying. I can remember someone getting hit by a car in front one of the bars and no one wanting to touch the dying boy because of the blood. All gays were considered untouchable just in case you might have it whether you did or not. You were sick until proven otherwise. We even heard stories about hospital workers who would avoid patients completely who were dying. Many times friends would be caring for them under the direction of those who refused. We heard stories of families who could not find funeral homes to handle the remains of their loved ones. Bodies were buried sometimes in secret locations or worse. Many of the times the families did not want to have anything to do with their dead child in much the same way they did when they were alive. Sometimes the only people we could trust or cling to during this time was each other and we did the best we could for those who needed us.

I can remember hearing daily on the nightly news how we were the scourge of the earth and we were dying  because that is what we deserve. We were told daily it was God’s revenge we were dying in mass. God was killing us. Most of you would have no clue who Anita Bryant is or even Jerry Falwell, but for us those names signify the worst forms of hate. Those early years were the worst. Everywhere we turned we were being called deviant, evil, cursed, and unnatural.

Of course, we battled much more than just the plague. The idea we would somehow be able to marry was a dream which none of us saw being a reality. Most of the time a partner could not even be in the room with his dying partner if the family wished to keep him out. May surviving partners had to deal with being less than in the life of their most important relationship. Insurance did not recognize the partnership and you could forget collecting death benefits which left many surviving partners, grieving, alone, and struggling.

The idea of seeing a gay couple in a television commercial was out of the question. Gay film in the most innocent form was considered scandalous and controversial. There were very few out gay celebrities. Most of the times we heard about them being gay after their death from AIDS. We had very little gay examples. But we had our Judy, Liza, Bette, Madonna, and Cher. They are the ones who helped them escape the madness of our reality.

We were not able to have children and if you did have children you had better not let anyone know you were gay because those children would be taken away without question or consideration. So many of us raised our children by ourselves and in silence. We were not able raise our children as out gay men and that means adoption was also out of the question. Those of us who did raise children where the true pioneers. We fought numerous battles to raise our children and we lived in constant fear of them being taken away from us. This means many of us had hidden relationships or simply none at all.

I came out at 29 and now I am 54. I remember those dark days clearly. Then I see you with your partners holding hands, getting married, or playing with your children in the open together and I feel pride because we have come a long way. Bu, sadly the fight is far from over. We have to continue to fight to preserve what we have gained. We have to continue fight for what we still need to achieve. It is not going to be easy. The point here is, you younger guys need to stop and remember what we came through to get here.You cannot take anything for granted because there are forces who would rip it away in a second if they could. Trust me they are trying to do just that.

Now you may say, it is just another Old Queen bitching at us, but honestly that is not the case at all. I am telling you this because it is becoming more apparent that your time to fight could be just ahead when you look at the state of the world and where it is headed. I am afraid for your future and it seems that this struggle is going to continue and you are going to need to fight. The time for our equal marriage celebration could very well be over.

You cannot be silent. You cannot run away and hide. You are going to need to take to the streets and believe me when I tell that can be a very scary place to be. But you would understand this if you had marched or attended a Pride Parade in some of those early years. During those years, Pride was shown on the news as a horror and not something which should or could be celebrated. That is okay because you have us. We will stand beside you and if you will listen, we will help to show you the way. We have been here before. We know how it all works. Activism is a long road and it is tiring road, but it is required of each and every single one of us. It is your ticket to the show. It is the price we must pay as gay men.

So don’t roll your eyes at the older person who might say hello or try to discuss things with you because the truth is if it were not for them your life would be very, very different today. Oh, and by the way, not all of us want to date younger guys. Most of us are way over the drama and chaos which comes with the younger crowd. Seriously, we do not want to have to explain the beauty of Chaka Kahn and Sylvester over and over again. If you do not know how Sylvester makes you feel then chances are you are wrong for one of us. We like our men mighty real.

The point is, we older gay men are settled in who we are and our relationships. We can be your friend. In fact, would be happy to call your friend. BUT, don’t assume we want more from you than friendship because in most cases we really don’t. We have had enough to deal with in life not to have to deal with your daddy issues. Oh, and by the way, take a good hard look at us because this is exactly how you are going to look in 30 or more years. That is right. Like it or not you are going to age too. So show us some fucking respect. Besides, most of us bitchy old queens could run circles around your muscle bound asses in the gym because at this age we have learned the importance of cardio. Why do you think we are still alive?

Take care of yourselves and understand we are all in this together. We are here for you if you need us and always remember silence does equal death. Never forget those who came before.

 

No Spiritual Uniform or Age Required.

Just because I do not have a man bun and I wear polo shirts does not mean I am not and cannot be spiritual in nature and practice. I have seen and experienced things of a more spiritual nature than most posing Bhagwan wannabe’s have seen in their lives and are likely to ever see. I am still on my journey and it is always exciting and you never know where it will take you.

There is a portion of the Millennial generation who believe they have a corner market on spirituality and spiritualism. You are not spiritual because it is the “IN” thing to do. Spirituality has nothing to with the clothes your wear or your hairstyle. Spirit calls to you from your inside and has very little to do with what is on the outside. You have a spiritual calling.

I am blessed to know many “real” spiritual people who I consider true friends. You know who you are because I only am friends with people I admire and respect. If you are a spiritual friend you are one because I believe in you.

The downside is I have also noticed there are a whole lot of spiritual posers out there right now in the world. Do not be fooled by those pretending to be something they are not or incapable of being. In the spiritual world you will see this in many forms. Look for those who are genuine. You will find them. They are there. The key is to for you to be as genuinely spiritual on the inside as you can be in your own life and others like you will attract. There is no spiritual uniform or age required.

Mission Life

What is the real danger of getting involved in the paranormal too deeply? Recently I saw a facebook post along this line. There were a whole lot of answers spanning everything from demons to people. The conversation went back and forth from one topic to the next and it struck me that not one person mentioned what would be the most dangerous aspect of someones participation.
 
What is that danger you may ask? Well we all are going to die. So in reality we will all have the answers about death and dying in the end. The danger in spending your every waking free moment thinking about the dead and dying is that you become dead within yourself as well. If you dispense all of your energy dealing the dead you will forget about living. I promise you this.
 
Why would someone spend so much time and energy focusing on the answers held onto by the dead? Everyone single one of us will get those answers eventually. What you should be doing here is living and learning how to get the most out of living.
 
This is exactly what I have been doing for almost two years now and the focus keeps redefining and I have found there are some great spiritual things about living. The living spirit is an amazing thing and I have found the more I have focused upon it not only the more spiritually open I am becoming but I am learning there are some very powerful lessons within the living spirit. These lessons are not ones anyone is going to learn focusing on the dead.
 
Live and enjoy life. Focus on your mind and spiritual connection with the world around you. That is your true life mission. Live and enjoy the present. If you believe in the laws of attraction you will understand that if you focus on the dead you will draw nothing but dead energy into your life. If you focus on the living you will draw in powerful living and spiritual energy. If you want a life changing experience learn to get everything out of the moments of living. It will change you life I promise. It has changed mine. I no longer have time for the dead because I am too busy living.

The Time is Now

What would your reaction be if I told you that you were going to die in a year? No seriously what if you only had a year to live? What would you do if it was true? Who would you want to see? Where you want to travel? What would you want to do you have not done yet? What is on your bucket list? Do have a list are you living by the seat of your pants?

The fact is you are going to die. We are all going to die. It is the one absolute that without a doubt I can promise you. Every single moment you are inching closer and closer to your final breath, the final beat of your heart, your ultimate demise. The truth is this could be your last year, month, week, day, hour or even minute of living. Someone just died while I was typing this.  So just what in the hell are you waiting for? A bucket list is something you put in the drawer somewhere and forget. A bucket list is for dreaming and quite frankly the clock is ticking and you do not have time for dreams. You need to plan for now and actually do.

Live. Do the things you want now and stop acting like you are going to live forever because you are not. Now is the time to dance in the moonlight. Now is the time to swim naked in the ocean. Now is the time to jump out of a plane or ride in a ballon. Now is the time to do and see everything you possibly can. Do it now because next year is not guaranteed.

This is the one thing I can promise you. You only get one single time limited life. There are no guarantees. Live like you are going to die tomorrow because you never know when your time going to run out. Take this from a guy who has already died once. It can all be gone in an instant.

So live now.

The Sons of America are Watching

I raised two boys to become good men. I raised them to never hit a woman and to stand up for those women they see being abused. I taught them how to respect the women in their lives and that also included their mother who left us years ago. Self respect is about respecting others. I taught them that.
 
These past few weeks have been horrible to watch as the GOP and Donald Trump are teaching a whole new generation of boys it is okay to hurt and degrade women. They are teaching them it is okay to be drunk and belligerent. It is okay to laugh at a helpless girl beneath you as you try to rape her. It is okay to destroy your accuser at all costs in order to hide the truth of their action.

Parents take stock in what your boys are being exposed to because it does matter. Sit down and have a very serious conversation with your boys because they are watching and they are listening to a President who tells them the enemy is the abused and not the abuser or her rapist. He is telling them to fear the accuser. He is telling them it is okay to abuse women and then to make fun of them  and destroy them when they step forward to report they were hurt, harmed, battered or raped.

 
If your sons cannot respect women they will not respect their grandmother, their sisters, their very own mother, and their future spouse. If they cannot respect the women in their lives I can promise you they will never respect themselves as well. Abuse is not okay and they need desperately to be told this over and over. One thing for sure is you do not want Trump or the GOP to coach your sons on how to treat women. We know how that will turn out in the end. Sad times we are living in.

The Gypsy Life

We made the leap and are now building our new house in  Playa Del Carmen Mexico.

While the build is happening we decided it would be fun to be gypsies. Every month we move to a different neighborhood in Playa to learn anything and everything we can about our new hometown. It has been amazing, fun, tiring and has taught us a lot about our new city and about ourselves.

It sounds romantic to be able to move around as you please, but the truth is we found we ended up craving stability. We also cannot wait to get our things out of storage. There are little things you miss like the insta-pot and air fryer. We actually bought a set of sheets and towels to carry with us so we have a sense of something of our own. The one thing we have learned right away is that we packed way too many clothes. The truth is, you live in shorts, t-shirts and flip flops. I have not put on a pair of jeans or pants in six months. Mostly, I live in swimming suits. I miss my calendar with all of our family in it. I actually cried when my kids gave it to me and I could not even open to look at for days afterward without tearing up. Now I would give anything to open it.  I miss all of our family pictures lining the shelves of our office. I miss a real good office chair. I miss those little things which say hey this is ours. I miss the little robot what sits on my desk or the dinosaur bone my son brought me from a dig. See it is the simple things you end up missing.  I guess that is the biggest lesson we have learned.

We have lived in just about every neighborhood. Our favorite neighborhoods have been the ones which are mainly Mexican and not full of expats. The locals are amazing, sweet, and kind. I love learning about daily life here and all of the quirks that come with it. We have found the more tourist like a place is it loses the cultural aspects which is why you want to live here along with the beauty. Once you lose the culture it becomes just another place to live.

I am sure we will look back at these months and romanticize the gypsy idea once again, but the truth is we are the kind of couple who needs and must plant roots. By Christmas our new house will be done and it will be so wonderful to finally be in a place we can call home. It will be a happy day when our children can come to visit and we can spend some real quality time together. Don’t get me wrong we love it here and this is where we will spend the rest of our lives, but it will be nice when we can live in one place, our place. Until then we will continue feeling like we are just visiting.

What Matters Most

I was sitting here behind the desk doing some work. Nothing important and nothing which required a lot of thought. You know the kind of tasks where you mind can and often does wander? I was thinking about life’s blessings and how the things I thought were going to make me happy were actually the things which in some ways matter the least to me.

As a young man I thought more than anything I wanted to work in the theater. The theater was the place were I was going to find complete fulfillment. Now don’t get me wrong you can find fulfillment in the theater, but you learn very quickly when money comes into play it just kind of sucks the fun and the life right out of it. Theater as a business is a complete different animal than theater for simply the sake of theater and art.

As life continued I thought I would like to do television. In my mind television was where I was going to find the answers to my dreams. I have done a whole lot of television at this point of my life and I can tell you that very little satisfaction ever came from being on a show. Kind of difficult to watch your life being dramatized and portrayed, only in the next moment to be interrupted by tampon and erectile dysfunction commercials.

Then I thought I was going to find everything I needed by doing a film. A movie would bring me everything I wanted in life. I would not only be in film but I would also write for it as well. I was lucky enough to do a few films but in the end I did not find the satisfaction I desired at all in film. In fact. I learned a whole lot about the ugly side of life from working in film and what that ugliness can and will do to people.

So, I became an author and I have to tell you I do get some satisfaction from writing.However, I do not get any satisfaction from working with publishers. Again, once money enters the equation it has a tendency of sucking the life and creativity out of art. Did you know my favorite book I wrote is the only book I self published? Crazy A Prayer for the Dead is by far my favorite of my books. This is why I have made a serious decision to self publish from here on out. Besides, I am married to a perfect artist and editor which helps a whole lot.

I have worked for SyFy, Discovery, CW, Destination America, Warner Brothers, CNN, NBC Universal, Chiller, The Travel Channel and more. I have been featured in newspapers and magazines around the world including Entertainment Weekly, Variety, The New York Post, and The Sun to name just a few. I have done just about every major radio show in the United States, Canada, and the world which has included everything from Man Cow to Coast 2 Coast. I am in the Library of Congress in at least three different places with multiple pieces of work. Are you impressed yet? You really shouldn’t be if you are. Often the things you will be remembered for in life are not the things where you found happiness.

After chasing and achieving all of these dreams in the end do you know where I found satisfaction? I found it in the easiness and simplicity of the love I have for my husband. I found it in all five of our children and the loves of their lives. We get more excited and proud of their accomplishments than anything we ever accomplished on our own. Our three granddaughters who continue to teach make us happier than anything else in life and they continue to teach us about not only acceptance but unconditional love. My mother and father who taught me it was okay to tell people my truth because no matter what you will still have those who will still love you. These are truly the riches found in life and all of that other stuff which might impress some in the end does not matter all of that much.