Born This Way

I have always been gay. Looking back at my childhood I can see those moments which clearly stand out. I can look at myself as a child and know that being gay was not something I ever chose to be. It was something I just was. The only choice it seems I made in life was when I chose to follow a straight life and completely deny the person I truly was. That was a seriously bad choice. It was the worst choice and the wrong choice, which almost destroyed me completely.

I was talking to a family member recently who I had not spoken to in a very long time. They told me although they did not approve of the choice I have made in my life they were glad to see me happy. Once again from someone the ugly word “choice” reared its ugly head and even though this family member had the best of intentions it still stung with the fact they had no clue or understanding what they had just said or the person I truly was.

I think about my early years. I could have fallen into every single gay stereotype you could imagine. The Wizard of Oz was hands down my favorite film and I cried the day my sister told me Judy Garland was dead. At five years old I was a huge fan of the non-intentional campy film The Valley of Dolls. In my opinion, what five year did not want to grow up like the tragic Patty Duke character Nealy O’Hara? Hey let’s remember she was living with that hottie Ted Casablanca. I wanted desperately to be a Jet and dance through the streets of New York just like in West Side story. You could often find me dancing in front of my house replaying scenes and musical numbers.  I knew the complete Streisand songbook by heart and would sing it completely if provoked. And most of all I had a huge attraction to Tom Jones and the Greatest American Hero. Yes I was a weird kid. A very weird kid but I was also gay even before I knew anything about sex or sexuality. I just was.

Times have changed and growing up gay is much different than in the seventies and eighties. There is much more acceptance now than ever before even though the world as a whole has a long way to go. So why do we have to still hear heterosexual people tell us they either approve or disapprove of what they believe is our choice? It is a ridiculous statement considering we never in return stated the obvious if I chose to be gay then they must have chosen to be straight. Of course that is ridiculous statement. It is ridiculous no matter who you are. So why do straight people like to parade it out constantly? Is it a fear that if it is not a choice a family member or even their own child could be gay? Is it their way of handling their own prejudice and behavior concerning gay people? Does it make them feel superior or more Christian to state and believe it is a choice? Is it guilt? I think it must be a combination of all these things and more. In some way it is being supportive without truly having to say I give you my support for being a homosexual and I understand it is a completely normal way of being. It almost an easy way out so no one ever will point a finger at them concerning their own sexuality. Like I told someone years ago,”Sexuality is not black or white. Sexuality is a series of grays.”

For most of us being gay is something we did not choose. It was not something we became because it is fashionable. It is not something we chose to rebel against societal norms. It is not something we became in order to hurt family members or to cause them shame. It is just how we were created. It is in every fiber of who we are as people. The damage comes when you make the serious mistake of telling someone they can choose to be or not to be gay because that is a complete lie. It is a lie which often leads to unhappiness and suicide for those who believe they can choose and try to hide their true self. What do you think conversion therapy is all about?

So please be supportive and please never say to a gay person that you support their choice. Believe me when I tell you that is was not a choice for us in the same way it was not a choice for you to be straight. We were born this way and so were you.

The Proper Way to Explain Hate to a Child

What do you tell a child who might be experiencing hate at the hands of others in this life? Tell your child the meaning of life is loving. It does not matter who you love, or what they look like or even what sex they are. People who hate them are hating something within themselves and trust me it has nothing to do with those of us they hate.

Sometimes they are gay and frightened themselves. Sometimes they are jealous of something we might have. Sometimes they just hate themselves so much that they have to find someone else to project it upon. Same goes for the racists and the homophobes in this world.

We are never going to cure stupid in this life but we can live our best lives in the most amazing ways and trust me when I tell you that is exactly what drives them crazy. Why? Because we just do not care what they think anymore other than you cannot fix stupid. You don’t have time for stupid when you are living authentically and happy.

That is the proper way to explain hate to a child.

No Hope is Coming

I seriously believe the United States as we once knew it is dead. The United States which our grandfathers fought to preserve is gone. It has been replaced with the catering to the wealthiest individuals with no sense of right or wrong. They are doing the most horrific things in the name of religion.

I kept waiting for some type of glimmer of hope. I do not think hope is coming. I think it is long way past hope. So those of you who support healthcare being taken away from millions, those who support discrimination in all types as a means of policy, those of you who are incapable of caring for your fellow brother, those of you who live your life scared someone else is going to benefit in some way that you would hurt others who are truly the least fortunate of us, those of you supporting an immigration policy which hurts children and damages families, those of you who would believe lies over truth, and those of you who feed into the ego of a very mentally ill wannabe dictator, YOU are the ones who have blood on your hands.

The United States was headed in the right direction but those of you threw it away because deep down you resented the fact the the right President for this country was a black President. Shame on you for your racial bias and stupidity. This is not about votes or party. This it is about morality.

I cannot support the immoral way the US is going at the moment and I really do not see it changing any time soon. I hate the way it has made me question friends and family who would support hateful agendas. An agenda by the way which is against my right to marry and to be treated equally not only as a married couple but as a full fledge person. That is not too much to ask and I have to be honest and say those who support the hateful agenda and the people who perpetuate it has left many of us feeling betrayed.

I am angry at a whole lot of you because I thought many of you knew better or should I say I thought I knew you better. I have decided in the end to focus on my new home and my new community because say what you will haters about Mexico it is a much safer and saner place to live than the United States. In the end that is the truth of it all. Buenas Noches to the great ideas of the great Lady Liberty. May she rest in peace. Hasta luego to our new life in Playa Del Carmen Mexico. 

 

Dear Young Gay Men

Dear Young Gay Men,

Believe it or not, there those of us over 50 who look at and view you with great pride. Why? Because we know what we marched for, struggled for, were beaten down for and for those we watched die, are the ones who paved the way for the open life you currently get to live. We fought very hard to get to this point in our gay history and you are a proud product of that battle. We are very proud of you.

You know, I can remember going to my first gay bar in 1985. It was a small bar in Cape Girardeau, MO. My first night in a gay bar they had to lock and barricade the front door of the bar because it was being surrounded by angry, straight, redneck, white men who did not want a gay bar in their town and were willing to take whatever steps necessary to make sure it would go away. Southern Missouri is Klan country and it was an eye opening experience and lesson on what it meant to be gay in middle Missouri.

I can remember the heart sinking feeling I felt when I saw the first spot of KS on the leg of a friend and knowing exactly what that meant. I can remember my other friend squeezing my arm and whispering, “Oh my God. He is sick.” In those days, you kept your status as quiet as possible until it was no longer possible to keep it quiet. I was one of the lucky ones who remained and still is negative, but many of my close friends were not that lucky. We saw a whole generation of our friends die because they did have the ability to become undetectable or Prep to help prevent it in the first damn place. You got it and you died. It was that simple. You know, it got to a point where I could hug someone and instantly know if they were sick. There was this heat which would emanate from their bodies. It was also a very sad thing to look into the eyes of someone you knew and knowing they would not be around for long. I learned a lot about bravery and grace in the face of death from my dying friends. Their faces and stories stick with me still today.

The things you would witness and the stories you would hear were truly terrifying. Have you ever driven past a house spray painted with the words, “AIDS FAG DIE,” well I have and within that house was someone very sick and dying. I can remember someone getting hit by a car in front one of the bars and no one wanting to touch the dying boy because of the blood. All gays were considered untouchable just in case you might have it whether you did or not. You were sick until proven otherwise. We even heard stories about hospital workers who would avoid patients completely who were dying. Many times friends would be caring for them under the direction of those who refused. We heard stories of families who could not find funeral homes to handle the remains of their loved ones. Bodies were buried sometimes in secret locations or worse. Many of the times the families did not want to have anything to do with their dead child in much the same way they did when they were alive. Sometimes the only people we could trust or cling to during this time was each other and we did the best we could for those who needed us.

I can remember hearing daily on the nightly news how we were the scourge of the earth and we were dying  because that is what we deserve. We were told daily it was God’s revenge we were dying in mass. God was killing us. Most of you would have no clue who Anita Bryant is or even Jerry Falwell, but for us those names signify the worst forms of hate. Those early years were the worst. Everywhere we turned we were being called deviant, evil, cursed, and unnatural.

Of course, we battled much more than just the plague. The idea we would somehow be able to marry was a dream which none of us saw being a reality. Most of the time a partner could not even be in the room with his dying partner if the family wished to keep him out. May surviving partners had to deal with being less than in the life of their most important relationship. Insurance did not recognize the partnership and you could forget collecting death benefits which left many surviving partners, grieving, alone, and struggling.

The idea of seeing a gay couple in a television commercial was out of the question. Gay film in the most innocent form was considered scandalous and controversial. There were very few out gay celebrities. Most of the times we heard about them being gay after their death from AIDS. We had very little gay examples. But we had our Judy, Liza, Bette, Madonna, and Cher. They are the ones who helped them escape the madness of our reality.

We were not able to have children and if you did have children you had better not let anyone know you were gay because those children would be taken away without question or consideration. So many of us raised our children by ourselves and in silence. We were not able raise our children as out gay men and that means adoption was also out of the question. Those of us who did raise children where the true pioneers. We fought numerous battles to raise our children and we lived in constant fear of them being taken away from us. This means many of us had hidden relationships or simply none at all.

I came out at 29 and now I am 54. I remember those dark days clearly. Then I see you with your partners holding hands, getting married, or playing with your children in the open together and I feel pride because we have come a long way. Bu, sadly the fight is far from over. We have to continue to fight to preserve what we have gained. We have to continue fight for what we still need to achieve. It is not going to be easy. The point here is, you younger guys need to stop and remember what we came through to get here.You cannot take anything for granted because there are forces who would rip it away in a second if they could. Trust me they are trying to do just that.

Now you may say, it is just another Old Queen bitching at us, but honestly that is not the case at all. I am telling you this because it is becoming more apparent that your time to fight could be just ahead when you look at the state of the world and where it is headed. I am afraid for your future and it seems that this struggle is going to continue and you are going to need to fight. The time for our equal marriage celebration could very well be over.

You cannot be silent. You cannot run away and hide. You are going to need to take to the streets and believe me when I tell that can be a very scary place to be. But you would understand this if you had marched or attended a Pride Parade in some of those early years. During those years, Pride was shown on the news as a horror and not something which should or could be celebrated. That is okay because you have us. We will stand beside you and if you will listen, we will help to show you the way. We have been here before. We know how it all works. Activism is a long road and it is tiring road, but it is required of each and every single one of us. It is your ticket to the show. It is the price we must pay as gay men.

So don’t roll your eyes at the older person who might say hello or try to discuss things with you because the truth is if it were not for them your life would be very, very different today. Oh, and by the way, not all of us want to date younger guys. Most of us are way over the drama and chaos which comes with the younger crowd. Seriously, we do not want to have to explain the beauty of Chaka Kahn and Sylvester over and over again. If you do not know how Sylvester makes you feel then chances are you are wrong for one of us. We like our men mighty real.

The point is, we older gay men are settled in who we are and our relationships. We can be your friend. In fact, would be happy to call your friend. BUT, don’t assume we want more from you than friendship because in most cases we really don’t. We have had enough to deal with in life not to have to deal with your daddy issues. Oh, and by the way, take a good hard look at us because this is exactly how you are going to look in 30 or more years. That is right. Like it or not you are going to age too. So show us some fucking respect. Besides, most of us bitchy old queens could run circles around your muscle bound asses in the gym because at this age we have learned the importance of cardio. Why do you think we are still alive?

Take care of yourselves and understand we are all in this together. We are here for you if you need us and always remember silence does equal death. Never forget those who came before.

 

No Spiritual Uniform or Age Required.

Just because I do not have a man bun and I wear polo shirts does not mean I am not and cannot be spiritual in nature and practice. I have seen and experienced things of a more spiritual nature than most posing Bhagwan wannabe’s have seen in their lives and are likely to ever see. I am still on my journey and it is always exciting and you never know where it will take you.

There is a portion of the Millennial generation who believe they have a corner market on spirituality and spiritualism. You are not spiritual because it is the “IN” thing to do. Spirituality has nothing to with the clothes your wear or your hairstyle. Spirit calls to you from your inside and has very little to do with what is on the outside. You have a spiritual calling.

I am blessed to know many “real” spiritual people who I consider true friends. You know who you are because I only am friends with people I admire and respect. If you are a spiritual friend you are one because I believe in you.

The downside is I have also noticed there are a whole lot of spiritual posers out there right now in the world. Do not be fooled by those pretending to be something they are not or incapable of being. In the spiritual world you will see this in many forms. Look for those who are genuine. You will find them. They are there. The key is to for you to be as genuinely spiritual on the inside as you can be in your own life and others like you will attract. There is no spiritual uniform or age required.

Mission Life

What is the real danger of getting involved in the paranormal too deeply? Recently I saw a facebook post along this line. There were a whole lot of answers spanning everything from demons to people. The conversation went back and forth from one topic to the next and it struck me that not one person mentioned what would be the most dangerous aspect of someones participation.
 
What is that danger you may ask? Well we all are going to die. So in reality we will all have the answers about death and dying in the end. The danger in spending your every waking free moment thinking about the dead and dying is that you become dead within yourself as well. If you dispense all of your energy dealing the dead you will forget about living. I promise you this.
 
Why would someone spend so much time and energy focusing on the answers held onto by the dead? Everyone single one of us will get those answers eventually. What you should be doing here is living and learning how to get the most out of living.
 
This is exactly what I have been doing for almost two years now and the focus keeps redefining and I have found there are some great spiritual things about living. The living spirit is an amazing thing and I have found the more I have focused upon it not only the more spiritually open I am becoming but I am learning there are some very powerful lessons within the living spirit. These lessons are not ones anyone is going to learn focusing on the dead.
 
Live and enjoy life. Focus on your mind and spiritual connection with the world around you. That is your true life mission. Live and enjoy the present. If you believe in the laws of attraction you will understand that if you focus on the dead you will draw nothing but dead energy into your life. If you focus on the living you will draw in powerful living and spiritual energy. If you want a life changing experience learn to get everything out of the moments of living. It will change you life I promise. It has changed mine. I no longer have time for the dead because I am too busy living.

The Time is Now

What would your reaction be if I told you that you were going to die in a year? No seriously what if you only had a year to live? What would you do if it was true? Who would you want to see? Where you want to travel? What would you want to do you have not done yet? What is on your bucket list? Do have a list are you living by the seat of your pants?

The fact is you are going to die. We are all going to die. It is the one absolute that without a doubt I can promise you. Every single moment you are inching closer and closer to your final breath, the final beat of your heart, your ultimate demise. The truth is this could be your last year, month, week, day, hour or even minute of living. Someone just died while I was typing this.  So just what in the hell are you waiting for? A bucket list is something you put in the drawer somewhere and forget. A bucket list is for dreaming and quite frankly the clock is ticking and you do not have time for dreams. You need to plan for now and actually do.

Live. Do the things you want now and stop acting like you are going to live forever because you are not. Now is the time to dance in the moonlight. Now is the time to swim naked in the ocean. Now is the time to jump out of a plane or ride in a ballon. Now is the time to do and see everything you possibly can. Do it now because next year is not guaranteed.

This is the one thing I can promise you. You only get one single time limited life. There are no guarantees. Live like you are going to die tomorrow because you never know when your time going to run out. Take this from a guy who has already died once. It can all be gone in an instant.

So live now.