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THE BLOG!

When I see the word blog it has always scared me a little. You see the word, BLOG whereas I see the word, BLOB or BLAH. It is not because I do not like the idea of blogging and the sharing of ideas. If that were the case, I would not be an author at all. It is the idea of the commitment a blog requires and takes to maintain. The idea of having enough content and will I have enough to say or share with you. Quite frankly that scares the living hell out of me.

All of my social media friends I know at this moment will be taking a huge sigh of relief because now they will not have to read paragraphs upon paragraphs from me on everything from politics, gay rights, the supernatural, and anything else which might strike me at any given moment. They say I do not understand the idea of acceptable social media lengths of posting. Twitter limits the amount of words precisely due to long winded writers like myself. Facebook and TUMBLR on the other hand have not been as wise and it shows at times when I really get on a roll. Well it actually shows a lot. A day does not go by where I start something with one sentence and it turns into a hundred. I always find myself saying during these daily infractions, “Just one more thought to share before I am done.”

Even through my fear of blog commitment is very real and does exist, the time has finally come for me to take the blogging plunge. So here it is, THE BLOG.  You are not always going to agree with what I say here, but I always promise to share the truth about my thoughts and what I might be feeling from this moment to the next. In some ways, I feel like I just might be participating in the recording of history. Surely it is the bloggers in this world who are now the ones documenting the thoughts, events, and actions of the times.

So yes I am ready to take the blog plunge. Here we go. I hope you enjoy it.

jumping-off-cliff

Born This Way

I have always been gay. Looking back at my childhood I can see those moments which clearly stand out. I can look at myself as a child and know that being gay was not something I ever chose to be. It was something I just was. The only choice it seems I made in life was when I chose to follow a straight life and completely deny the person I truly was. That was a seriously bad choice. It was the worst choice and the wrong choice, which almost destroyed me completely.

I was talking to a family member recently who I had not spoken to in a very long time. They told me although they did not approve of the choice I have made in my life they were glad to see me happy. Once again from someone the ugly word “choice” reared its ugly head and even though this family member had the best of intentions it still stung with the fact they had no clue or understanding what they had just said or the person I truly was.

I think about my early years. I could have fallen into every single gay stereotype you could imagine. The Wizard of Oz was hands down my favorite film and I cried the day my sister told me Judy Garland was dead. At five years old I was a huge fan of the non-intentional campy film The Valley of Dolls. In my opinion, what five year did not want to grow up like the tragic Patty Duke character Nealy O’Hara? Hey let’s remember she was living with that hottie Ted Casablanca. I wanted desperately to be a Jet and dance through the streets of New York just like in West Side story. You could often find me dancing in front of my house replaying scenes and musical numbers.  I knew the complete Streisand songbook by heart and would sing it completely if provoked. And most of all I had a huge attraction to Tom Jones and the Greatest American Hero. Yes I was a weird kid. A very weird kid but I was also gay even before I knew anything about sex or sexuality. I just was.

Times have changed and growing up gay is much different than in the seventies and eighties. There is much more acceptance now than ever before even though the world as a whole has a long way to go. So why do we have to still hear heterosexual people tell us they either approve or disapprove of what they believe is our choice? It is a ridiculous statement considering we never in return stated the obvious if I chose to be gay then they must have chosen to be straight. Of course that is ridiculous statement. It is ridiculous no matter who you are. So why do straight people like to parade it out constantly? Is it a fear that if it is not a choice a family member or even their own child could be gay? Is it their way of handling their own prejudice and behavior concerning gay people? Does it make them feel superior or more Christian to state and believe it is a choice? Is it guilt? I think it must be a combination of all these things and more. In some way it is being supportive without truly having to say I give you my support for being a homosexual and I understand it is a completely normal way of being. It almost an easy way out so no one ever will point a finger at them concerning their own sexuality. Like I told someone years ago,”Sexuality is not black or white. Sexuality is a series of grays.”

For most of us being gay is something we did not choose. It was not something we became because it is fashionable. It is not something we chose to rebel against societal norms. It is not something we became in order to hurt family members or to cause them shame. It is just how we were created. It is in every fiber of who we are as people. The damage comes when you make the serious mistake of telling someone they can choose to be or not to be gay because that is a complete lie. It is a lie which often leads to unhappiness and suicide for those who believe they can choose and try to hide their true self. What do you think conversion therapy is all about?

So please be supportive and please never say to a gay person that you support their choice. Believe me when I tell you that is was not a choice for us in the same way it was not a choice for you to be straight. We were born this way and so were you.

The Proper Way to Explain Hate to a Child

What do you tell a child who might be experiencing hate at the hands of others in this life? Tell your child the meaning of life is loving. It does not matter who you love, or what they look like or even what sex they are. People who hate them are hating something within themselves and trust me it has nothing to do with those of us they hate.

Sometimes they are gay and frightened themselves. Sometimes they are jealous of something we might have. Sometimes they just hate themselves so much that they have to find someone else to project it upon. Same goes for the racists and the homophobes in this world.

We are never going to cure stupid in this life but we can live our best lives in the most amazing ways and trust me when I tell you that is exactly what drives them crazy. Why? Because we just do not care what they think anymore other than you cannot fix stupid. You don’t have time for stupid when you are living authentically and happy.

That is the proper way to explain hate to a child.

Research? Really?


It always bothers me when someone says the field of paranormal research. Field of study is something the vast majority of people do not understand and unless you are along the lines of a parapsychologist what you are doing is a hobby. Your evidence has no empirical value whatsoever to the world at large.

What a paranormal group is doing on a Saturday night is a hobby not research. Just by the sheer paying to do research at a haunted location is a contamination of evidence in itself. And those who are out there charging people to go into these locations are not researchers and are for the most part carnival barkers at best. Remember the flea circus from Jurassic Park, “Look at the fleas on the trapeze Mommy.” The fleas in this case are ghosts.

When I got involved in all of this paranormal craziness I was searching for answers to explain what happened to myself and children in the early summer of 2001. I have never found those answers. The truth is no one truly knows and no amount of evidence can explain away the unexplained. I saw this morning they are going to start giving tours and let television crews enter into one of the old houses of a family who was victimized by the supernatural. Let’s face the facts, those of us who have truly lived through something mean nothing more to the paranormal than entertainment or the possible opportunity for a Halloween special.

The paranormal taught me more about the bad side of human nature than it truly did anything else. It seemed to always bring out the worst in people. In the end it revealed a dark truth about people and very little about the supernatural.

Homophobia and the Paranormal

The worst homophobia I have experienced in my life has been within the paranormal community. I have been threatened to be outed several times during the years which I thought was funny because anyone who really knew me knew I came out at 29. I just considered my sexuality a non topic and something which was my business. Afterall, sexuality and paranormal are not something which walks hand in hand.

In those early years when Greg Myers of the PTF was trying to undermine me and take over my group the first thing he wanted to do was to out me. He said to a close friend of mine,”I think we should tell everyone Steven is gay. The paranormal world needs to know.” Like outing me would be the thing to destroy me. There was another incident around the time of the Survivor Tour when that same group of people once again tried to out me to hurt me.

It was always the first thing paranormal people would turn to attack me usually out of jealousy. Mark Farley of St. Louis Paranormal Research, you know the guy who does the Fox Tours and Lemp Tours, when I distanced myself from him he went around telling people I came onto him which I can assure you never happened.

Then there was election night of 2016 and it was a paranormal person who called me a faggot within an hour of Trump being elected. There are many more examples. Those are just a few.

Now homophobia permeates every walk of life, not just the paranormal. However, from my experience there seems to be a larger homophobic problem within the paranormal community. There are exceptions to this rule, but for overall majority even those exceptions I am sure would tell you the first thing used when they are criticized or attacked is the fact they are gay. Like that matters in some way.

June is Pride month and I am asking all of my paranormal friends to take a moment to support the LGBTQ community. Just maybe we can be a product of change and just maybe we can change a few of those who hate.

Hi Stalker

So anyway it appears I have a stalker. Not the first stalker I have had and not the most original either. They seem to be really upset that I am living a happy life here in Mexico. They send me crime statistics all of the time. They are upset because I have said I feel safer here in Mexico than I did living in St. Louis. I could through the St. Louis crime statistics with you once again but, the truth is,  St. Louis was a much more violent city on every single level than living here in Mexico.

Secondly, they are upset because our house is not done yet and seem to have this idea it has been put on hold. Our house is still being built. We had some permitting delays but in the end we are moving into the new house in June.

Next they seem to be really uptight about Ricks Maletropolis. They think we are living on what we make from it. lol Maletropolis is a hobby Rick decided to do to keep busy during the stressful build of the house. We do not expect to live on it and it is mainly for fun. Trust me when I tell you money will never be a problem. He does it for fun.

Next, Rick and I are together 24/7 and this seems to bother them as well. Not sure why but trust me no one is cheating on no one. lol

The IP lookups traced the location to two Dallas addresses but you know how that is. It really can be anybody from anywhere. However, we have gotten the locations of the IP addresses just in case we need to go to the authorities for some reason. I am amazed that there is someone out there still fixated with my life and what we are doing.

I thought once we left the paranormal sociopaths in St. Louis we would not have to deal with this anymore. Obviously, I was wrong. I am not sure why the paranormal, particularly in St. Louis, draws such drama and sociopathic behavior. One thing I can guarantee you for sure it is all connected with the paranormal, St. Louis, or both. lol Same characters who tried to steal my name a few years back are most likely involved. They are very predictable.

Anyway, I know the stalker is reading this. They are watching both Rick and my social media pages and are interested in everything we are doing. So for them I would like to say the past five years of my life have been amazing and get better every single day. People dream of living the life I am leading and not many get to. Seems to me that is the thing which is driving them crazy. My happiness. Very strange don’t you think?

No Hope is Coming

I seriously believe the United States as we once knew it is dead. The United States which our grandfathers fought to preserve is gone. It has been replaced with the catering to the wealthiest individuals with no sense of right or wrong. They are doing the most horrific things in the name of religion.

I kept waiting for some type of glimmer of hope. I do not think hope is coming. I think it is long way past hope. So those of you who support healthcare being taken away from millions, those who support discrimination in all types as a means of policy, those of you who are incapable of caring for your fellow brother, those of you who live your life scared someone else is going to benefit in some way that you would hurt others who are truly the least fortunate of us, those of you supporting an immigration policy which hurts children and damages families, those of you who would believe lies over truth, and those of you who feed into the ego of a very mentally ill wannabe dictator, YOU are the ones who have blood on your hands.

The United States was headed in the right direction but those of you threw it away because deep down you resented the fact the the right President for this country was a black President. Shame on you for your racial bias and stupidity. This is not about votes or party. This it is about morality.

I cannot support the immoral way the US is going at the moment and I really do not see it changing any time soon. I hate the way it has made me question friends and family who would support hateful agendas. An agenda by the way which is against my right to marry and to be treated equally not only as a married couple but as a full fledge person. That is not too much to ask and I have to be honest and say those who support the hateful agenda and the people who perpetuate it has left many of us feeling betrayed.

I am angry at a whole lot of you because I thought many of you knew better or should I say I thought I knew you better. I have decided in the end to focus on my new home and my new community because say what you will haters about Mexico it is a much safer and saner place to live than the United States. In the end that is the truth of it all. Buenas Noches to the great ideas of the great Lady Liberty. May she rest in peace. Hasta luego to our new life in Playa Del Carmen Mexico. 

 

Dear Young Gay Men

Dear Young Gay Men,

Believe it or not, there those of us over 50 who look at and view you with great pride. Why? Because we know what we marched for, struggled for, were beaten down for and for those we watched die, are the ones who paved the way for the open life you currently get to live. We fought very hard to get to this point in our gay history and you are a proud product of that battle. We are very proud of you.

You know, I can remember going to my first gay bar in 1985. It was a small bar in Cape Girardeau, MO. My first night in a gay bar they had to lock and barricade the front door of the bar because it was being surrounded by angry, straight, redneck, white men who did not want a gay bar in their town and were willing to take whatever steps necessary to make sure it would go away. Southern Missouri is Klan country and it was an eye opening experience and lesson on what it meant to be gay in middle Missouri.

I can remember the heart sinking feeling I felt when I saw the first spot of KS on the leg of a friend and knowing exactly what that meant. I can remember my other friend squeezing my arm and whispering, “Oh my God. He is sick.” In those days, you kept your status as quiet as possible until it was no longer possible to keep it quiet. I was one of the lucky ones who remained and still is negative, but many of my close friends were not that lucky. We saw a whole generation of our friends die because they did have the ability to become undetectable or Prep to help prevent it in the first damn place. You got it and you died. It was that simple. You know, it got to a point where I could hug someone and instantly know if they were sick. There was this heat which would emanate from their bodies. It was also a very sad thing to look into the eyes of someone you knew and knowing they would not be around for long. I learned a lot about bravery and grace in the face of death from my dying friends. Their faces and stories stick with me still today.

The things you would witness and the stories you would hear were truly terrifying. Have you ever driven past a house spray painted with the words, “AIDS FAG DIE,” well I have and within that house was someone very sick and dying. I can remember someone getting hit by a car in front one of the bars and no one wanting to touch the dying boy because of the blood. All gays were considered untouchable just in case you might have it whether you did or not. You were sick until proven otherwise. We even heard stories about hospital workers who would avoid patients completely who were dying. Many times friends would be caring for them under the direction of those who refused. We heard stories of families who could not find funeral homes to handle the remains of their loved ones. Bodies were buried sometimes in secret locations or worse. Many of the times the families did not want to have anything to do with their dead child in much the same way they did when they were alive. Sometimes the only people we could trust or cling to during this time was each other and we did the best we could for those who needed us.

I can remember hearing daily on the nightly news how we were the scourge of the earth and we were dying  because that is what we deserve. We were told daily it was God’s revenge we were dying in mass. God was killing us. Most of you would have no clue who Anita Bryant is or even Jerry Falwell, but for us those names signify the worst forms of hate. Those early years were the worst. Everywhere we turned we were being called deviant, evil, cursed, and unnatural.

Of course, we battled much more than just the plague. The idea we would somehow be able to marry was a dream which none of us saw being a reality. Most of the time a partner could not even be in the room with his dying partner if the family wished to keep him out. May surviving partners had to deal with being less than in the life of their most important relationship. Insurance did not recognize the partnership and you could forget collecting death benefits which left many surviving partners, grieving, alone, and struggling.

The idea of seeing a gay couple in a television commercial was out of the question. Gay film in the most innocent form was considered scandalous and controversial. There were very few out gay celebrities. Most of the times we heard about them being gay after their death from AIDS. We had very little gay examples. But we had our Judy, Liza, Bette, Madonna, and Cher. They are the ones who helped them escape the madness of our reality.

We were not able to have children and if you did have children you had better not let anyone know you were gay because those children would be taken away without question or consideration. So many of us raised our children by ourselves and in silence. We were not able raise our children as out gay men and that means adoption was also out of the question. Those of us who did raise children where the true pioneers. We fought numerous battles to raise our children and we lived in constant fear of them being taken away from us. This means many of us had hidden relationships or simply none at all.

I came out at 29 and now I am 54. I remember those dark days clearly. Then I see you with your partners holding hands, getting married, or playing with your children in the open together and I feel pride because we have come a long way. Bu, sadly the fight is far from over. We have to continue to fight to preserve what we have gained. We have to continue fight for what we still need to achieve. It is not going to be easy. The point here is, you younger guys need to stop and remember what we came through to get here.You cannot take anything for granted because there are forces who would rip it away in a second if they could. Trust me they are trying to do just that.

Now you may say, it is just another Old Queen bitching at us, but honestly that is not the case at all. I am telling you this because it is becoming more apparent that your time to fight could be just ahead when you look at the state of the world and where it is headed. I am afraid for your future and it seems that this struggle is going to continue and you are going to need to fight. The time for our equal marriage celebration could very well be over.

You cannot be silent. You cannot run away and hide. You are going to need to take to the streets and believe me when I tell that can be a very scary place to be. But you would understand this if you had marched or attended a Pride Parade in some of those early years. During those years, Pride was shown on the news as a horror and not something which should or could be celebrated. That is okay because you have us. We will stand beside you and if you will listen, we will help to show you the way. We have been here before. We know how it all works. Activism is a long road and it is tiring road, but it is required of each and every single one of us. It is your ticket to the show. It is the price we must pay as gay men.

So don’t roll your eyes at the older person who might say hello or try to discuss things with you because the truth is if it were not for them your life would be very, very different today. Oh, and by the way, not all of us want to date younger guys. Most of us are way over the drama and chaos which comes with the younger crowd. Seriously, we do not want to have to explain the beauty of Chaka Kahn and Sylvester over and over again. If you do not know how Sylvester makes you feel then chances are you are wrong for one of us. We like our men mighty real.

The point is, we older gay men are settled in who we are and our relationships. We can be your friend. In fact, would be happy to call your friend. BUT, don’t assume we want more from you than friendship because in most cases we really don’t. We have had enough to deal with in life not to have to deal with your daddy issues. Oh, and by the way, take a good hard look at us because this is exactly how you are going to look in 30 or more years. That is right. Like it or not you are going to age too. So show us some fucking respect. Besides, most of us bitchy old queens could run circles around your muscle bound asses in the gym because at this age we have learned the importance of cardio. Why do you think we are still alive?

Take care of yourselves and understand we are all in this together. We are here for you if you need us and always remember silence does equal death. Never forget those who came before.